Big Brother . . .

Of all the anticipated and unanticipated adjustments that Aaron and I looked forward to upon Ella's entrance into our family, none has had quite the impact on our hearts as Caleb's transformation as the big brother—and his subsequent lack of desire to take on the role.

We knew this little girl would change all of our lives . . . but I guess there was a part of both Aaron and myself that failed to remember we were the only two people in this little family anticipating the change with great joy. Our son was, despite our best efforts to prepare him, rather unprepared for Ella's entrance into his world—and I am afraid he is finding said world rather rocked at the moment.

Caleb did marvelous at the hospital when he and Ella first met. He was so excited to see her! He had no qualms about climbing up in the hospital bed with me and cozying right in. He was even perceptive enough to speak only in whispered tones (for at least the first 8 minutes).

Fast forward to yesterday—our first full day home as a family of four. Caleb's good humor over Ella's presence in his life has gone the way of the birds, and mommy is no longer his favorite person.

This has been perhaps the hardest change for me—granted Ella has not been with us for more than a handful of days, but watching my little boy—my heart walking around in the world—struggle with his place in my heart nearly breaks me in two, and I confess that I have shed more tears on his behalf during the last couple days than I have for any other reason. And yet, as I told Aaron, rather than finding myself dividedly in love with my two children, I think I have instead expanded—something I did not know was possible.

And it is this knowledge, this new understanding of an expanded heart that gives me such hope and peace in Caleb's regard. He is two-and-a-half. Up to this point his entire world has been entirely about himself—and because he is such a perfect specimen of humanity in all it's fallenness and glory, it is no wonder that this "dethronement" has come as a bit of a shock. But remarkably, this change has only brought him one step closer to being prepared to meet his Heavenly Father. This is Caleb's first experience being removed from the center of the world—a shift that is necessary not only in physical life, but also in the spiritual. And I am confident that there will come a time (probably not too far off) when Caleb can no longer remember when Ella was not a part of his world. And for that, I have a feeling he will be a far better boy, and eventually a stronger man.